Tuesday, June 1, 2010

quit yo' b*tchin'

True Story:

A young handsome husband decides to take his bride on a boat booze cruise on a HOT afternoon on the Copper River. After gearing up the boat all day and getting it "pretty" for his wife he is excited, yet has a premonition that something may go wrong.

You see, this is the first boat ride of the season and he knows he has been working to get it in tip-top shape. He also in the back of his mind, remembers that he made a deal with his lady that he would not include her in the first ride of the season in fear that something may go wrong.

Several reasons why attached here:
First, He doesn't want her to be bothered with being stranded on the river if something were to happen
Second, He doesn't think he could handle it if some thing did happen due to her constant bitching and asking how could this happen
Finally, refer to the second reason.

OK, on to the story.

So, everything is grand. They are smiling and laughing on the way in the truck. They make a special trip the Teeter to get the cold beverages of their choice.

The boat ramp isn't too packed. It's hot as heck but they are happy as clams to be together and pretty stoked about the fact that they are about to embark on an epic first of the season booze cruise together.

All is fabulous in the world of this couple.

Not for long.

Not five minutes into their glorious ride the man says, "Did you hear that, the engine doesn't sound right?"

She immediately looks at him and says, "Sounds fine to me"

She did not think it was fine, but she decided to be positive (her role in the relationship) and keep her mouth shut.

In 2 seconds flat, the engine dies.

She looks around and thinks "No flippin' way".

She tries not to say anything. She tries so hard and it just comes out.

She fastly and sarcastically says out loud, "I don't understand, how could this happen? You've been working on the thing all day. Why would we come out here if this could possibly happen?"

She thought. Insert foot here. She needed masking tape for her mouth, but it was already too late.

I cannot say his response because this is a PG story. Well, maybe PG-13.

She realizes she has just set the tone for the rest of the day. If she would have only kept her mouth shut.

They were in the middle of the channel and the current was pulling them pretty quickly.

He drops the anchor in attempt the keep the boat from moving into the channel any further.

It doesn't work. The depth of the water is above 45 feet, the rope is too short for waters this deep. He brings in the anchor quick and grabs the paddle.

That's right. The paddle.

The cute cute man paddles and paddles and paddles and paddles.

The wife wishes she could help, but there is only one paddle.

She is concerned for his back and his foot. She feels helpless while at the same time sits back, enjoys her cocktail, and admires her husbands dedication to his boat and her.

She realizes he is trying to make it right and for her to be happy as quickly as possible.

She begins to cheer him on. "Go baby go! You got it. Keep going"

The closest public dock is nearly impossible to get to because of the current.

After many attempts to get other boats' attention. She blows the whistle loud enough for a boat at the private club to hear.

They wave them over and a family of three boys and an old chocolate lab save the day.

They agree to tow the couple back to their public ramp they launched from.

What nice people? she thinks to herself.

The man reminded her much of her deceased dad. Croakies around his neck, yellow shorts, and a tan to die for. She thinks it first and then says it out loud to her husband.

How quickly, her mind raced back to her childhood and the days on the boat with her dad.

She began to smile and realized this was a story. This was not a bad day on the water, this was plain ol' fun.

As she came back to future time in her mind, she realized her husband was doing all he could to satisfy her and she felt an overwhelming feeling of peace.

You know, peace love and happiness.

That kind.

As they approached the ramp, the professional boat towing company pulled up next to them and yells to the family helping, "You're taking my business away from me!"

He was being funny, but it was true.

He was towing a much larger vessel. The kind that looks like it should never break down. You know, the 80 g's kind, the mansion kind. Heck it was a fishing boat that looked like a yacht.

They all sort of smiled at each other knowing they had all been through hell and back. Breaking down and all that comes with it.

There were four breathing beings on the other boat. A man, two women, and a springer-spaniel.

The adults were in their mid-60's, as southern as they come, and as distinguished as a glass of sherry.

They were nice and glad to be at land. The dog was so happy it jumped off the boat onto the pier and ran until no one could see him anymore. His name was Beaufort.

As the wives stood together watching their husbands get the boats onto their trailors.

The young wife said to the other two ladies "I just don't understand why this happens"

The one older lady said "Honey, just be glad he wasn't by himself (sounded like heemself, with the southern draw)"

The young wife responded back "He said he wished he had been by himself"

The lady chuckled, "Because you were bitchin'. Quit yo' bitchin and he'll want you around"

The young lady laughed because she knew she was right.

The lady said once again "Listen to us old ladies, and quit yo' bitchin!"

She laughed knowing that even though she had just met these two older ladies, they knew her to a T. Why? Because they used to be her and they knew they didn't get anywhere complaining.

The young lady could not help but laugh.

She got in the car lauging and her husband wanted to know what was so funny. She told him the story and he said, "They really said that to you?"

She said, "Yea, and they are right"

The husband laughed in spite of all that happened. He knew his wife had learned a lesson and maybe she would officially quit her bitchin' on the water.


  1. This might be one of my favorite posts of all time! Thank you for the mid-day laugh & cry! GREAT story!

  2. Definitely agree with JL!! So funny!! :-)

  3. I think you are a brilliant writer and I can only imagine big thick socks to go with the "man with the tan".....and I love the cocktails as we are being towed into shore.....Gabe asked? "who are these people she is talking about?" and I responded "this really happened to Khaki"....love you....thinking about flights to Charleston or Blowing Rock....very SOON, like next two days.....xo